# Jay Peak March 31 2013 -- Alpinezone Contest Redemption! Also a gross story.



## bdfreetuna (Mar 31, 2013)

Thanks Nick and Alpinezone for making this happen! My skiing has dropped off in frequency this March which is normally prime season due to some financial hardships that popped up... but I had the free Jay pass I won in the contest... and I also have a girlfriend who wanted to visit Burlington and didn't mind working on her doctoral degree dissertation in the lodge while I skied Jay the next day. Winning situation!

So got to Jay kind of late maybe 10:30 by the time I had boots on and got on the tram. Oh well it was a late night in Burlington.

First run was Valhalla. A little slick up top actually but once below the ridge things were turning to mashed potatoes quickly. Not messy runny mashed potatoes but the kind that's awesome to ski. Valhalla was awesome, I remembered it being totally different the last couple seasons I skied it... probably entered it a different way and took a different line. Everything was well skied in there and in fact in pretty much all the woods, which is fine by me. I prefer swooshing down someone else's line more often than making my own. Especially when I don't really know where I'm going.

Other highlights were Deliverance... yeah deliver me from evil indeed. I guess there are multiple ways to enter here but apparently I chose the one which causes you to ski down a really steep trail that's about as wide as a set of skis for quite some time. And then eventually there are some options. There were some rocks but mostly soft snow. This was a challenge but I gained a lot of confidence in there feeling that I was quick on my feet and agile in my turns. The work of a whole season leading up to this was paying off.

Staircase Glade. Never skied this one before but it seemed like a good idea when I passed by it randomly. Wow this is fairly steep, am I right? Skied it pretty well, or so I thought. Then this guy came absolutely ripping down it, and right next to me performed a tree stall at speed before proceeding to the next turn. By "tree stall" I mean, there was a tree sticking out of the slope at a 45 degree angle. And in this area the trail itself was nearing a 45 degree angle, if not more for that section. I don't ski with a protractor but it seemed pretty vertical. So this guy links up some turns, actually links up a ton of turns in this narrow chute, then there is a tree right in front of him. Why avoid it when you can just side hop at speed onto the tree trunk, stall, and then make your next turn which is probably a 10 foot drop right from there? So that's what this guy did and I realized the big boys were out at Jay Peak today... and I'm just a guy from western mass lucky enough to be skiing on their turf for a day.

I realized my time was limited so I skied mostly the most difficult terrain I could find. It's nearing the end of the ski season after all. And I only get to Jay once a year at best.

Took lunch and met up with my girl, ate a Jet sandwich and had a Tram Ale. Headed back out. I noticed at this point there were serious signs up gastrointestinal distress.

I realized however that I had been avoiding the Tram since the 1st run since the line was long and needed to get back up to the top to earn my most serious run of the day. Tuckerman's Chute? Face Chutes? By the time I got to the top I knew what had to be done so I hiked up to the Ridge.

Met a snowboarder up there and he asked me if I was skiing Pumphouse? I said I guess what's the difference? He explained there were a few ways down the Ridge... which I knew already but he told me the names of the ways down and whatnot. He then proceeded to disappear off what looked to me like a sheer cliff, which he told me was his "drop in before the saddle... the saddle gets too skied off". I looked down that and my heart jumped into my throat from vertigo. Hell fucking no thank you. I then passed the saddle itself and he was right, the entry was not only skied off, steep as all hell -- as in I would probably be leaning against the mountain and hoping I don't side-slip too far to get down this steep -- and a lot of bare rock exposed. No thanks. Pushed on a little further and found the familiar Pumphouse line.

Pumphouse starts off... well not mellow at all but easily skiable on a double diamond tree skier level. Then becomes an option of 1) go left as far as you can and take a shallower but very bushwacky route, which turns out to not be that shallow for very long anyway, or 2) go straight down in which is a very narrow extremely (in my view anyway) steep chute. I chose straight down, as that seemed more in line with my original intentions. I won't lie... I've skied all the hardest lift accessable terrain in Vermont and some of these ways down the Ridge take the cake for shit-your-pants status.

Speaking of shit your pants... I was about to. The gastrointestinal distress I was experiencing had manifested into something which, with every jump turn and sketchy slide down the Ridge, was moving it's was exponentially towards my asshole. By the time I'd made my way halfway down the Ridge I was seriously concerned I would shit my pants accidentally if I landed the next turn off balance. The situatation was getting dire.

I began searching my surroundings for options. I had no toilet paper. No paper of any kind. No cloth. No spare clothes I could part with. Yet I was surpassing the point of doubt that I might perhaps make it down the mountain before Mt. Anal Vesuvias erupted.

The last part of the Pumphouse was not fun. I mean, it was minorly epic, as in, the best skiing I'd experienced all year. But things were getting desperate.

I made it onto the lower part of Green Beret. I found a side path into the woods. I parked my skis and literally ran into the woods, as fast as my boots would take me in three feet of snow.

The distance between visiblilty from the trail was quickly calculated. The angle at which I would perform the deed was quickly calculted. The aftermath was briefly considered but there was no option.

Pants down. Arms dug into 3 foot snow. I let it loose.

I will not describe the actual deed beyond the fact that it was beyond my most horrible expectations.

The aftermath involved perhaps several cubit meters of snowpack directed at my anus, along with awkwardly manuevering myself into areas of snow which had not been spoiled by human intervention. By the time I was satisfied with my level of cleanliness, my poor starfish was frozen to absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.

The deed was done. I covered up the steaming reamnants which had practically melted it's way to the bottom of the three foot snowpack anyway.

The day didn't last much long after that, but I skied till 3:30 so not bad overall.

Enjoy some photos from my Facebook album which is publically shared for your enjoyment.

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.512008005533673.1073741826.100001734339088


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## skiking4 (Mar 31, 2013)

HAHAHAH
TR of the year right here!!!!!!!!!


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## deadheadskier (Mar 31, 2013)

Might be AZ's first trip/dump report

:lol:


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## gmcunni (Mar 31, 2013)

gives "dumping on the mountain" a new meaning


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## Cornhead (Apr 1, 2013)

Right...what's a cubit?





Great TR, sounds like you had a "blast" at Jay! Wasn't related to your lunch, was it?


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## Madroch (Apr 1, 2013)

Second the tr of the year.  Too funny!


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## skirick (Apr 1, 2013)

One of the most amusing and well written TR's I've read in a while!


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## bzrperfspec77 (Apr 1, 2013)

Agreed! This deserves an award of some sort!


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## Nick (Apr 1, 2013)

Hahahhaa awesome! 



> The deed was done. I covered up the steaming reamnants which had practically melted it's way to the bottom of the three foot snowpack anyway.



Very well written!


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## St. Bear (Apr 1, 2013)

bdfreetuna said:


> Staircase Glade. Never skied this one before but it seemed like a good idea when I passed by it randomly. Wow this is fairly steep, am I right? Skied it pretty well, or so I thought. Then this guy came absolutely ripping down it, and right next to me performed a tree stall at speed before proceeding to the next turn. By "tree stall" I mean, there was a tree sticking out of the slope at a 45 degree angle. And in this area the trail itself was nearing a 45 degree angle, if not more for that section. I don't ski with a protractor but it seemed pretty vertical. So this guy links up some turns, actually links up a ton of turns in this narrow chute, then there is a tree right in front of him. Why avoid it when you can just side hop at speed onto the tree trunk, stall, and then make your next turn which is probably a 10 foot drop right from there? So that's what this guy did and I realized the big boys were out at Jay Peak today... and I'm just a guy from western mass lucky enough to be skiing on their turf for a day.



I feel this way almost everytime I ski in Northern VT/NH.  It's a real humbling experience, especially when it's a little kid showing you up, but it really drives me to get better.


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## o3jeff (Apr 1, 2013)

Nice job of averting disaster!

Reminds me of a post from another forum I used to frequent.

http://acurazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=254302&highlight=gamble


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## bigbog (Apr 1, 2013)

Good TR & nice pics bdfree,
Hey two good reasons, out of many, for a pack = AV(Anal Vesuvius)_Gear...ie bathroom tissue(pc;-)) and sealable plastic bag(s) for the used bathroom tissue[ + _optional_]...


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## wa-loaf (Apr 1, 2013)

Epic!


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## Puck it (Apr 1, 2013)

wa-loaf said:


> Epic Dump!



Fixed it!!!


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## TheArchitect (Apr 1, 2013)

Note to self: don't read next TR from bdfreetuna while eating lunch...


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## HD333 (Apr 1, 2013)

Next time I have to unload wearing ski boots at least I will know it could be worse.


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## Abubob (Apr 1, 2013)

Should there be a TMI alert button?


Sent from my iPad using AlpineZone mobile app


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## bdfreetuna (Apr 1, 2013)

Haha funny replies. Glad (most) of you enjoyed it


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## thetrailboss (Apr 1, 2013)

You can't fake that.


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## BenedictGomez (Apr 1, 2013)

I'll be skiing Jay tomorrow if the weather holds, and I certainly won't be venturing into the woods off Green Beret.


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## 180 (Apr 1, 2013)

i am shitting my pants laughing!


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