# The Joke Thread



## gmcunni (Aug 22, 2011)

I thought we had a Joke Thread but i couldn't find it so i'm starting new.



A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the Chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over & sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The guy says, "No. Help yourself." He takes it & begins eatting. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."


----------



## Geoff (Aug 22, 2011)

5 minute Chinese lesson

That's not right........... Sum Ting Wong 
Are you harboring a fugitive?. Hu Yu Hai Ding 
See me ASAP..................... Kum Hia Nao 
Stupid Man.............................. Dum Fuk 
Small Horse.............................. Tai Ni Po Ni 
Did you go to the beach? ... Wai Yu So Tan 
I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni 
I think you need a face lift....Chin Tu Fat 
Its very dark in here.............. Wao So Dim 
I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching 
This is a tow away zone..... No Pah King 
Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao 
Staying out of.................... Lei Ying Lo 
He's cleaning his automobile.. Wa Shing Ka 
Your body odor is offensive....Yu Stin Ki Pu


----------



## ctenidae (Aug 23, 2011)

Geoff said:


> 5 minute Chinese lesson









But kind of funny.

Two guys walk into a bar.
You'd think the second one would have ducked.


----------



## WJenness (Aug 23, 2011)

How did the hipster burn his mouth?




He started eating the pizza WAY before it was cool...

-w


----------



## Philpug (Aug 23, 2011)

A horse walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face?"
,
,

,
,
,
,
,
,
,
Celine Dion walks into a bar, Bartender says "Why the long face?"


----------



## Philpug (Aug 23, 2011)

What is gray and comes in quarts?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
An Elephant


----------



## ctenidae (Aug 23, 2011)

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
An Elephino

Why did the bird fall out of the tree?
It was dead

Why did the fish fall out of the sky?
It couldn't fly


----------



## HD333 (Aug 24, 2011)

How can you tell if a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?






There are M&M shells all over the floor.


----------



## ctenidae (Aug 24, 2011)

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.
Bartender says, "Hey, isn't that painful?"
Pirate says, "Arrrr, it's drivin me nuts!"


----------



## AngryHugo (Aug 25, 2011)

How do you stop a clown from laughing?



Hit him in the face with an axe


----------



## Geoff (Aug 25, 2011)

So a baby seal walks into a club...


----------



## ctenidae (Aug 25, 2011)

A naked blond walks into a bar with poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other..


----------



## o3jeff (Sep 21, 2011)

Do these have to be G rated?


----------



## Black Phantom (Sep 21, 2011)

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6."
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2'?"
"What's the f***ing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"


----------



## ctenidae (Sep 21, 2011)

How many Alabama freshman does it take to screw in a lightbulb (assuming they have electricity)?

None- it's a sophmore course.

/in preparation for the Arkansas/Alabama game


----------



## vdk03 (Sep 21, 2011)

How many telemarker's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3, one to actually do it and the other two to talk about how sweet the turns were.:-D


----------



## bvibert (Sep 21, 2011)

vdk03 said:


> How many telemarker's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> 
> 3, one to actually do it and the other two to talk about how sweet the turns were.:-D



:lol:


----------



## Grassi21 (Sep 21, 2011)

vdk03 said:


> How many telemarker's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> 
> 3, one to actually do it and the other two to talk about how sweet the turns were.:-D





bvibert said:


> :lol:



+1 :lol:


----------



## WJenness (Sep 21, 2011)

vdk03 said:


> How many telemarker's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> 
> 3, one to actually do it and the other two to talk about how sweet the turns were.:-D



I read this first as "Telemarketers" and it didn't make any sense...

Then I re-read it...

Good one. :beer:

-w


----------



## ctenidae (Sep 21, 2011)

WJenness said:


> I read this first as "Telemarketers" and it didn't make any sense...
> 
> Then I re-read it...
> 
> ...



Me too.


----------



## Nick (Nov 18, 2011)

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country


----------



## o3jeff (Nov 18, 2011)

Nick said:


> If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country



....


----------



## o3jeff (Feb 1, 2012)

_1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she’s officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

11: Only in situations of mortal and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

15: Women who claim they ‘love to watch sports’ must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ‘just a friend’ have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again
before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ with ‘If you loved me, you’d know what I want!’ gets an Xbox 360. End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

27: It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates. Furthermore, this is only one of two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with friends in the room, the other being when you are ‘spit roasting’ a woman.

28: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
* ‘GUTS’ is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, ‘are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?’
* ‘BALLS’ is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, ‘You’re next fatty!’_


----------



## wa-loaf (Feb 2, 2012)

This winter.


----------



## bvibert (Feb 2, 2012)

wa-loaf said:


> This winter.



x2


----------



## o3jeff (Feb 2, 2012)

wa-loaf said:


> This winter.





bvibert said:


> x2



+1


----------



## vdk03 (Feb 9, 2012)

"Tele-girls take it in the backcountry."

AMR Ski & Board Rental
Breckenridge


----------



## Nick (Feb 9, 2012)

wa-loaf said:


> This winter.



Zing


----------



## SKIQUATTRO (Feb 9, 2012)

The police knocked on a door, and when the man of the house answered, an officer held up a picture and asked "Is this your wife, sir?"
"yes it is" the man answered
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus" the officer said
"I know" the man answered, "but she has a great personality"


----------



## ski stef (Feb 9, 2012)

:lol:


----------



## legalskier (Feb 10, 2012)

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter.Ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to let go, otherwise they would all fall.
They weren't able to choose that person until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.


----------



## legalskier (Feb 13, 2012)

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven.
Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities." Saint Peter says, "Enter."
The other doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people." Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.
The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care." Saint Peter tells him, "You can come in, too."

As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But you can only stay for 3 days."


----------



## vdk03 (Feb 13, 2012)

What do you get when you mix GPS with PMS?

A crazy bitch that will find you


----------



## ctenidae (Feb 13, 2012)

If you were walking along the beach and saw your mother in law and a lawyer drowning, but you could only save one of them, would you have lunch, or go to a movie?

If you could have the body of an 18 year old, where would you keep it?


----------



## wa-loaf (Feb 13, 2012)

ctenidae said:


> If you were walking along the beach and saw your mother in law and a lawyer drowning, but you could only save one of them, would you have lunch, or go to a movie?



Throw the banker in after them and make it a hat trick!


----------



## legalskier (Feb 14, 2012)

Such love. Thanks....thanks a lot.



A little old man gets pulled over by a policeman, who says, "Sir? Do you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
The old fella replied, "Oh, thank goodness- I thought I'd gone deaf!"


----------



## ctenidae (Feb 14, 2012)

legalskier said:


> Such love. Thanks....thanks a lot.



My Dad's a retired Judge who returned to private practice, my brother and his wife are both attorneys, so I'm getting a kick out of these replies...

Two nuns walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have ducked.


----------



## legalskier (Mar 12, 2012)

ctenidae said:


> My Dad's a retired Judge who returned to private practice, my brother and his wife are both attorneys



I feel your pain.

If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would this be:
a. Murder?
b. Suicide?
c. Merely making an obscene clone fall?


----------



## WoodCore (Mar 12, 2012)

What do Go-Pro Cameras and Hemorrhoids have in common??


----------



## o3jeff (Mar 12, 2012)

WoodCore said:


> What do Go-Pro Cameras and Hemorrhoids have in common??



I give up.


----------



## o3jeff (Mar 14, 2012)

WoodCore said:


> What do Go-Pro Cameras and Hemorrhoids have in common??





o3jeff said:


> I give up.



What's the punch line?


----------



## WoodCore (Mar 14, 2012)

o3jeff said:


> What's the punch line?



Every a••hole has one!


----------



## stek (Mar 14, 2012)

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Give me a minute to get hard, I just came out a chick.


----------



## o3jeff (Mar 14, 2012)

A man went to see his doctor.

"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said.

The man asked, "Why?"

The doctor replied, "Because I''m trying to examine you!"


----------



## o3jeff (Mar 14, 2012)

Why are New Yorkers always depressed?

Cause the light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.


----------



## legalskier (Mar 14, 2012)

Q: Whats the most challenging thing to do in Connecticut? 

A: The New York Times crossword puzzle.


----------

