# Dealing With A Suicide



## MadMadWorld (Nov 20, 2013)

Sorry to drag the forum down but has anyone ever dealt with this? Someone I have known for 30 years seemingly out of nowhere took his own life. I'm all over the place right now....pissed at him for being selfish and leaving his baby without a father, pissed at myself for not being more available or recognize any warnings, and just upset that I will never be able to spend another minute with him. Thanks for listening.


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## ctenidae (Nov 20, 2013)

Shit, sorry to hear that. I don't much know what to say, never having had to deal with it myself. I do know that it's not your fault, even without knowing details. I totally get the pissed angle too- obviously there are deeper issues involved, but on some level I get it.


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## thetrailboss (Nov 20, 2013)

Wow. I'm so sorry. I've never dealt with this before, but I don't think you can blame yourself.  I can understand how you would. Try to help the family as much as you can in the here and now.


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## MadMadWorld (Nov 20, 2013)

Thanks guys I really appreciate your input. Sometimes it's easier to talk to complete strangers about this kind of stuff.


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## Nick (Nov 20, 2013)

First off, so sorry for your loss. I can't relate to what you are going through other than to say I can only imaging there are so many questions and probably so little answers to those questions. I don't want to sound like I know what you are going through and say don't blame yourself, but I think you should at least try not too. Sometimes, people have deeper emotions than they share with even the closest people in their lives. 

Thoughts & prayers for you. Losing someone is never easy. Losing someone with questions about why can only make it more difficult ....


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## wa-loaf (Nov 20, 2013)

I can't really say why someone would do that especially with young children depending on you. And I don't know how close you are to the rest of the family, but his wife and kid(s) need a lot of help right now. Maybe that's somewhere you can help out and not feel too helpless in the situation. There are a lot of grief support groups out there: http://www.hellogrief.org/resources/ (for the family and maybe you?)


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## Savemeasammy (Nov 20, 2013)

So sorry to hear this.  Dealing with loss of someone close is difficult enough, but it must be much tougher to accept when they take their own life.  There is nothing wrong with experiencing the range of emotions you described. Thoughts to you and the family of your friend.


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## hammer (Nov 20, 2013)

Closest personal experience was someone I knew professionally who lost his wife and two kids...she killed the two kids and then committed suicide.  Never knew how he ever managed after that but he did.  Think she was battling depression and the way I look at it, it was the depression that killed them.  Have to be battling some pretty nasty internal demons to be willing to take your own life.

Sorry for your loss.


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## MadMadWorld (Nov 20, 2013)

wa-loaf said:


> I can't really say why someone would do that especially with young children depending on you. And I don't know how close you are to the rest of the family, but his wife and kid(s) need a lot of help right now. Maybe that's somewhere you can help out and not feel too helpless in the situation. There are a lot of grief support groups out there: http://www.hellogrief.org/resources/ (for the family and maybe you?)





Yea as a father, I don't think I will ever understand abandoning a child. He was married and had a 9 month old baby. I can't imagine how much pain he must have been in to walk away from everything he had going for him. This was their first child and I can only imagine how she is feeling right now. Helping out doing choirs and such for her is what keeps me going and makes me not feel as helpless. Thanks everyone for the outpouring of support you guys are great!


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## mriceyman (Nov 20, 2013)

my uncle(and godfather) took his own life when I was in highschool 10 years ago. he did have some problems but he was an awesome guy and I miss him til this day. i know what a toll it took on my grandparents and i don't wish that on anybody.  i am thankful he had no children of his own but we do have a huge family and it was hard for us for a long time.


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## dmc (Nov 20, 2013)

I lost a friend to suicide when I was 13...  There was no grief counseling then...
My family helped sort it all out..

Such a confusing thing...  Tough to even comprehend...
To me it's super selfish...and just wrong..  So tragic to leave others behind.. Especially a child...  

My belief is suicide just delays the inevitable.  I believe consciousness continues after death and you just take your suffering to the next place unless you deal with it..


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## legalskier (Nov 20, 2013)

I'm sorry for your loss. I've lost three relatives- two were going through severe family turbulence, the third is still a mystery.
Perhaps this thought can help a bit:
"Grief starts to become indulgent, and it doesn't serve anyone, and it's painful. But if you transform it into remembrance, then you're magnifying the person you lost and also giving something of that person to other people, so they can experience something of that person."  -Patti Smith


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## bigbog (Nov 20, 2013)

Sorry to hear of MMW.   No experience here.  Think it's often tough to sense issues when the person of concern, because of their situation, puts up a smokescreen from others who do/might care.....  Often everyone ends up out of touch, but agree one would think he would've thought about his family...or part of his family...and would've re-thought priorities in life.


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## Abubob (Nov 20, 2013)

Sorry to hear that, man. Nothing shakes people more than to have a close friend or family member take their own life. It certainly defies logic. But that's what depression and despondency does to one's thinking. It skews life all out of proportion and reality.

I personally do not believe there is consciousness after death (my apologies to dmc). It is based on what I have read in the Bible. I know the Bible is controversial but I believe what it says there. My beliefs, because of what I read in the Bible, are not traditional so please take it for what it worth to you. Read Ecclesiastes 9:5 & 10. I hope it helps a bit.

If you have any questions or just want to slam me for quoting the Bible - please send a PM.


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## MadMadWorld (Nov 20, 2013)

legalskier said:


> I'm sorry for your loss. I've lost three relatives- two were going through severe family turbulence, the third is still a mystery.
> Perhaps this thought can help a bit:
> "Grief starts to become indulgent, and it doesn't serve anyone, and it's painful. But if you transform it into remembrance, then you're magnifying the person you lost and also giving something of that person to other people, so they can experience something of that person."  -Patti Smith



LS - I think that's a fitting quote. Everyone's stories and reassurance have definitely helped me through this ordeal. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using AlpineZone mobile app


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## drjeff (Nov 20, 2013)

Sorry for your loss.

The one thing that you should do, for the sake of that child of his, is in the next few weeks, write down some the the many i'm guessing, GREAT memories of your times as a friend with him over the years. 

Then depending on how much/how little the child's mother will inform them of his/her father as they get older, you'll have a wealth of fond recollections about him that you can share with that child to help them try and figure out who their Dad was.  Plus very often spending some time reflecting on the good memories of the past will be therapeutic. 

Why he took his own life will likely never make sense to anyone, but himself in those last few moments.


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## steamboat1 (Nov 20, 2013)

I've had a few friends commit suicide over the years. The reasons they did it will never be understood. I still shake my head every time I think of them. Sorry for your loss.


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## Warp Daddy (Nov 20, 2013)

My next door neighbor took his life leaving a wife and two children , i also had a professional colleague with a wife and two kids take his life . The feeling you are experiencing are normal . One runs the gamut from grief , extreme grief , anger and beating one,s self up for NOT seeing the signals ! All of this strictly reinforces our own need to help , but in my instances ,in spite of all the professional background i had in human behavior i doubt ANYONE sees this coming clearly . 

the individual has to be enduring the most exacerbating form of personal pain that he/she often masks it so as to deflect dealing with it ....strictly opinion here. You can do many things to help ...just be availble , not necessarily to talk to his survivors BUT rather to LISTEN to them as they deal with their grief . offer empathy , DO some sruff actively dont wait for a request . bring some food over , be ther to do small errands . Like snow removal or some small home related tasks , just BE a friend ... actions always speak louder than words .

There is nothing you could have done to prevent it, so choose not to beat yourself up for inability to "Control or recognize the signals " 

hang in there.


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## deadheadskier (Nov 20, 2013)

sorry for your loss

I've lost a friend to suicide in the past.  I've also lost a couple of friends to substance abuse problems.

I would throw anger at your friend and/or yourself out the window as a productive emotion.  I know, easier said then done.  The reason I say this is would you feel the same way if your friend died of cancer?  Of course you wouldn't.  Depression, just like cancer, is a disease and even with the best treatment it can be fatal for some who suffer from it.   Substance addiction is also a disease that can be fatal.  People have a tendency to downplay both as diseases and that maybe part of the reason why we as a society fail so often at treating such people and making them well again.

It's incredibly tragic when someone leaves a child behind, but it's not something that I necessarily consider selfish.  No one knows the pain that individual is in and what steps they've taken to address it through treatment.  In many situations like this when a child is left behind, the deceased has feelings of hopelessness and that they are unworthy of even being their child's parent.  In some disturbing way that only the deceased will ever know, they feel that suicide will not only rid themselves of they pain the feel, but also relieve those around them of the burden they feel they are placing on others.  

Regarding being angry at yourself, even if you did everything you could, the result still might have been the same and you'd still be left wondering if you could have done more.

I'll echo the statements of others in that the best thing you can do is be there to support his family and others who were close to your friend.  You'll never find a definitive answer as to why it happened.   All you can do is help others and yourself get through the grieving process. 

Sorry again.  I'm not going to lie, it's going to affect you for some time to come, but eventually the pain and sadness fades, you stop asking questions and you just appreciate the good times you did share.  It took a couple of years for me to reach that point after the loss of my friend 12 years ago.


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## JimG. (Nov 20, 2013)

So sorry to hear...thankfully, I have not yet lost anyone close to me to suicide. 

I don't know how to advise you to react other than to tell you that it is not your fault at all. And I believe that even if you did detect something that he would have taken his own life anyway.


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## ScottySkis (Nov 20, 2013)

I am very sorry about your loss.
As someone with depression I can relate a little. When I was younger I did stupid things not caring if I died from them. I never wanted to kill my self with a gun but took stupid chances. Actually I probably be dead if I didn't find a great natural antidepressants. If it was bad enough for your friend then it wasn't that he was trying to neglect his family he was just trying to make it better for everyone else that what he thought probably. I am really sorry and like others said just think ot the great memories you have.


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## Geoff (Nov 20, 2013)

I've lived through a few suicides of people close to me.   Yeah, the first thing that goes through your mind is a mix of guilt and regret that you didn't spot the symptoms and do something to prevent it.   Depression sucks and most who have it don't get treatment.   My marriage didn't survive a suicide incident where my father-in-law blew out his brains in the kitchen of the house my then-wife owned.   That was a very selfish way to do it.


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## skiNEwhere (Nov 20, 2013)

I am very sorry for your loss

Coming back from multiple deployments in the middle east, our battalion had a few people that needed help. From what I heard from the friends of a Marine that killed themself, he had just kept to himself, but didn't give any hints other than that. 

My point being, you can't blame yourself. It's not like they said "I'm going to jump off of a bridge" with conviction, and you blew that off. There are very subtle hints that even mental health professionals can't pick up on. Everyone had to take a PDHA when we got back from deployment that is supposed to screen for suicidal thoughts, and all I was thinking when I took the test was that if someone really wants to kill themselves and not get help, they probably shouldn't answer yes to the question of "I have had thoughts of hurting or killing myself"

I'm sure you would have helped your friend out if they had asked. You can't blame yourself if they didn't.


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## deadheadskier (Nov 20, 2013)

Geoff said:


> That was a very selfish way to do it.



How one chooses to end their life is really the only time I associate "selfishness" with suicide.  My friend who killed himself went out on the porch for some fresh air during halftime of a football game on TV.  His roommate heard the shotgun blast and ran outside to basically find my friend nearly headless on the ground in the front yard.  His roommate needed a lot of therapy to get over that horrific experience.  We had a gun suicide at the hotel I work at about a month ago.  It was the first week on the job for the Bellman who found the guy.  He quit on the spot, which I can't blame him for.

Sorry to hear about your father-in-law and the effect that experience had on your marriage.


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## Huck_It_Baby (Nov 20, 2013)

I've lost two friends to suicide. I'm very sorry to hear of the loss, pain and confusion I'm sure you're feeling. I found it a difficult thing to deal with because on top of losing someone you are faced with a lot of personal thoughts in an attempt to understand the event. You question why they did it, if you could have done something, if you spent enough time with them or listened to them.  Don't place blame on yourself though. Do what you can for their family, friends and your own mental health.

I didn't read the entire thread yet but I'm sure others who have had this in their life are saying similar things here.

Stay strong!


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## MadMadWorld (Nov 20, 2013)

Amazed by everyone's stories and how many people have been affected by suicide. The one thing I really take from this is that everyone grieves in different ways and to just support each other in however they are working through the tragedy. Reading these posts after reminiscing with old friends over beers tonight has made a difference. 

I love a community like this....its what these boards should be about. Thank you everyone and even though I know none of you on a personal level....If anyone needs to talk or hit up some turns...I'm here.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using AlpineZone mobile app


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## Abubob (Nov 21, 2013)

MadMadWorld said:


> I love a community like this....its what these boards should be about. Thank you everyone and even though I know none of you on a personal level....If anyone needs to talk or hit up some turns...I'm here.



:beer:


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## Nick (Nov 21, 2013)

Geoff said:


> I've lived through a few suicides of people close to me.   Yeah, the first thing that goes through your mind is a mix of guilt and regret that you didn't spot the symptoms and do something to prevent it.   Depression sucks and most who have it don't get treatment.   My marriage didn't survive a suicide incident where my father-in-law blew out his brains in the kitchen of the house my then-wife owned.   That was a very selfish way to do it.



Wow, sorry to hear that. 

These stories you guys are sharing are really unbelievable. Like DHS said, I think it's very hard for someone without depression to relate to it. I can't imagine what it would be like to feel helpless, really truly helpless, in my own mind.


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## Warp Daddy (Nov 21, 2013)

There are some. Very good people on this board , with meaningful insights who actually do care about their fellow skiers and others in general ! 

Many here were a source of inspiration during my open heart surgery and recovery and return to our sport  over 4and 1/2 yrs ago .... It helped 

Good on you all for giving a damn and offering support to EACH other when the situation merits it !


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## JimG. (Nov 21, 2013)

Nick said:


> Wow, sorry to hear that.
> 
> These stories you guys are sharing are really unbelievable. Like DHS said, I think it's very hard for someone without depression to relate to it. I can't imagine what it would be like to feel helpless, really truly helpless, in my own mind.



Depression is a spectrum and we all live in that spectrum. Some are always upbeat and happy, others often miserable and depressed. It can come and go or grip you and not let go. Or you can never feel depressed. But the specter lives in all of us and one life event can trigger it. Depression is probably the most common mental health issue worldwide. When someone does something that seems evil or incomprehensible, depression is often the reason. Scary. Makes me realize that bitching about Hunter not making snow is pretty ridiculous and lame.


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## Riverskier (Nov 21, 2013)

Sorry for your loss. Fortunately I have never had to deal with this myself. I am surprised, shocked really, just how many people here have. I guess it doesn't typically make the news, so unless you are personally affected by it, it would be easy to assume it is much rarer than it actually is. I have to say that the idea of suicide is perhaps the hardest human action for me to understand in life. It really shows just how serious of a disease depression can be.


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## MadMadWorld (Nov 21, 2013)

Yea depression really affects everyone and doesn't care about gender, race, etc. I've never suffered from it but after a few emotional sleepless nights I can definitely see how people can fall into such a dark place. I think being there for others and having real discussions like this go a long ways. It has has had a big affect on me

Sent from my SCH-I545 using AlpineZone mobile app


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## NotEasyBeingGreen (Nov 21, 2013)

I am very, very sorry for your loss and for the onslaught of emotions you must feel right now. Not to be hokey, but there's a concept in practicing mindfulness that encourages you not to harshly judge your own emotions, just let 'em flow and be aware of them, but don't be too hard on yourself for feeling angry or guilty or whatever. Peace.


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