# Alarmist Weather -TOO FUNNY!



## billski (Feb 26, 2013)

[h=2]Winter Weather Advisory Mathilda[/h] 		 			 			 		 	 			  		​   	 				By Molly Schoemann




Meteorologists have  reported that a perhaps potentially dangerous weather pattern is  developing over the mountains in the western part of the state. A Winter  Storm Warning, which local weather officials have named "Doreen," has  gone into effect for several counties. ( While typically only storms  themselves have been named, we at alarmistweather.com agree that Warnings and Watches, a crucial part of weather panic, deserve some recognition as well.) 

Snow  is expected to begin falling sometime after 10am in affected areas, and  may continue for up to several minutes. As ground temperatures are in  the  40s, the snow is not expected to stick to roadways and overpasses,  but it will definitely still fall on them. 

Snow will also fall  on cars, and may stick to them. Snow will likely stick to most cars, but  it will only really stand out on darker cars. Owners of white cars are  advised to keep in mind that the snow on their cars might be difficult  to see—but that it may still be present. Windshields with snow  accumulated on them may be difficult for drivers to see out of—in such  cases, using windshield wipers is advised. This may be done while  driving.

Snow may also stick to and accumulate on raised, grassy  areas and outdoor patio furniture—one of the consequences of your not  having heeded Patio Furniture Advisory Jim-Bob last fall. Snow may also  accumulate on pets that are sent outdoors; it will be particularly  visible and cute on dark-colored pets. Please send your photos of pets  with snow on their noses to PetSnowNoses@alarmistweather.com.  We’ll post our favorites on our website! But above all, according to Pet  Nag Fido, defrost and dry your pet before allowing it to track through  the kitchen and climb on the sofa

Overall snow accumulation  during this putative storm is expected to be as much as .025 inch in  some areas. Tiny, misshapen, dirt-filled snowmen may be formed using  this snow by children under the age of six who were too young to  remember the Great Letdown of ’10, which we herewith retroactively name  Fizzle),and  during which much of the state was perhaps not blanketed  but certainly coverleted with over ½” of snow. Effusive praise of these  snowmen is not recommended, as it will only encourage these children to  hope vainly for more snow, which is unlikely to occur during the  remainder of their childhoods. Send photos of your children’s snowmen,  such as they are, to NiceTry@alarmistweather.com.

Please  be advised that snow may also accumulate on trees, park benches, and  hydrants, and that birds and other wildlife may be seen foraging through  the snow for food, even as it continues to snow. Our official position  about this matter is that they are funny that way.

Residents are  encouraged to race to the nearest grocery store to purchase mass  quantities of milk and bread prior to the onset of  remotely-possibly-hazardous weather. The more milk and bread your  household has stockpiled, the safer your family will be during Winter  Storm Warning Doreen. In the event that you encounter other residents at  the grocery store who are also attempting to stock up on milk and  bread, do not succumb to the tempation to share, especially if you are  bigger than they are. 
Standing outside in the snow while it is  actively snowing is not encouraged, although you should be warned that  if you do this, and look straight up into the sky, it will look like the  snowflakes are huge and are coming right at you really fast!   Generally, snow will not accumulate on stuck-out tongues.

In the  event that no snow occurs, residents are still urged to seek shelter,  just in case. Finally, please be advised that temperatures are expected  to reach the 50s tomorrow. No Watch or Warning is in effect at this  time, but if there is one--a Tornado Watch, say--it is tentatively named  Tornado Watch "‘Bradley," unless it turns out to look more like a girl  tornado, in which case it will be Tornado Watch Meghan.


_Molly Schoemann writes humor and satire and always stocks up on milk and bread, just in case. Her work can be found at_ mollyschoemann.com.


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## Abubob (Feb 26, 2013)

And drive very very sllllooowwllly because after all there's snow.


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## octopus (Feb 27, 2013)

it seems like every year, people forget it snows here and act very surprised when it does.


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